The Fellowship of the Badger Pie
by Eaving1989
Summary: Crossover of pratically everything you could possibly image. A story my best friend and i wrote many many MANY moons ago. Featuring rappers, crazed alligators, distressed golfers, talking lips, scotsmen and ice cream vans. Be prepared....


**The Fellowship of the Badger Pie**

**By Gillian Pulich and Jess Mercer**

Jess stormed out of the cinemas, stomping with an angry look on her face. She had just seen Hollywood Homicide with her boyfriend Thomas, and Jess was chucking a sad with Thomas because he didn't offer to pay for her popcorn. She was furious, and was just about to run away from Thomas when he came up from behind her and put his arm around her shoulder. Jess was thinking of turning around and a smacking his face into a brick wall, but she was actually quite happy, since it was the first time in their whole one-year relationship that he had made any physical contact with her. With a satisfied look on her face, the couple happily walked over to the car park, put on their flash helmets, and hopped onto Thomas's budget Red Dot electric scooter that he had stolen off his little brother, and drove away at a speed of ten kilometer's per hour.

Away they went. Speeding down the highway to Dampier at ten k/hour. So fast. All of a sudden, their surroundings were different. They found themselves on the road through a stinking, American cowboy style desert, with the cactuses and all. They sky had turned a bright orange, as it had magically turned to sunset from nighttime. Magically.

So through the desert they went, all calm like, like a fish, when all of a sudden the scooter started to get whooping cough. It was breaking down, and the sun was setting. They would be stuck in the stinking desert all night. At the thought of this, Thomas was not looking, and didn't see that the front wheel of the scooter had come off. It fell to the side with a 'thunk'. They crashed, terribly. TERRIBLY. Thomas and Jess were grazed and feeling terrible from the crash. Most of all, scared that they would die of starvation through the night. Angrily, Jess yelled, "What do we do now farm boy??!?"

"Sit here and wait. And I am not a farm boy. Ok, I'll go and get some food for us, maybe a cactus or something," Thomas replied.

"So what do we do for a tent?" asked Jess.

"Here," said Thomas, pulling out a Jerry can from the glove compartment of his wrecked scooter. "This is a quality Jerry Can, made from quality recycled dog food cans. Quality."

"FINE THEN!" whispered Jess…happily. Thomas set up the tent, which was looking very comfortable and welcoming, and rolled out some sleeping bags. He then built a little patio and placed a stack of wood outside to build a fire.

"Ok, now stay here. I'll go and hunt for cactuses and bungara, and I'll get some wood for the fire," he said with an Aboriginal accent, quickly changing into his kangaroo skin loincloth and feather head dress. He grabbed a spear, again from the glove compartment of his scooter, and got his red washable Crayola super tip marker, again from the glovebox, and carefully drew two lines on each cheek. Then, dramatically, he gave Jess a dramatic look, and with the wind blowing in his hair, the orange sky, and the golden sun setting behind him, said, "I'll be back before nightfall. If not….just wait longer!"

Hmmm. Jess looked a little worried. What…with Thomas dressed like that, who could blame her?!? Anyway, so away Thomas ran like a startled gazelle into the golden sunset, his loincloth flapping crazily behind him like a spastic ballet dancer. This should be good…

Jess waited. And waited. And waited. And waited. And waited. And waited until saying and waited got just got too annoying to type. Soon, the sun was just sitting on the scorching horizon, and there was still no sign of Thomas. Jess was sweating, stinking (phew), and was very bothered indeed. Then all of a sudden, a small figure started galloping in her direction. It seemed like some guy on a horse. Jess stood up, shielded the sun from her eyes, and tried to make out who the person was. Was it Thomas? Was it the police? Was it a bird? Was it a plane? Was it a mad cow? No, it was Sean Biggerstaff, that cute Scot from the Harry Potter movies, yunno, Oliver Wood. Every girl's dream boy!! And one of Jess's all time favourite crushes. What the hell was he doing here? Oh well, who really cares, he's here ain't he? So anyway, along he came, galloping along with a real manly look. Manly. He looked so much like a fruitcake in his akubra hat and blue shirt, and torn jeans. But back to the story. He came galloping up to Jess, and said, "Hulo." Jess REALLY liked Sean's accent. REALLY.

"Hello…Sean…" she replied in a dreamy yet corny voice.

"How's it goin today?" he asked.

" Fine," said Jess, still extremely stunned.

" Well, I've got some good news," he said.

" What? What is it? Do you know where my poppy honey is?" Jess asked.

"You're what? Well anyway, the good news is that I brought you some food. It seems that you won't starve through the night," said Sean.

"But what about my poppy honey baby boo Thomas poos?" asked Jess desperately.

"Oh, well I'm afraid that he's been eaten by a rabid Snoop Dogg. Tragic. Just totally tragic," explained Sean. Jess immediately broke out into tears. Sean came round to comfort her. He put his arm around her, and said, "Aww, it's ok. Don't cry. I've got some delicious scrumptious Badger Pie for you. Come and eat." Jess immediately stopped crying. "How did you know I was hungry? I'm bloody starving!!" she told him.

"Well come along then. You can eat as much as you want," said Sean. Sean then pulled out a tent and a pump from his pocket. He placed it on the floor and started pumping. It was soon a huge eight person tent, with it's own oven and everything. Fabulous. Just Fabulous. ABSOLOUTELY fabulous.

So in the two went. Set out for them already was a table with a tall candle, flowers, napkins, plates, the whole shebang. Sean told Jess to take a seat, and as she did, Sean pulled out a steaming badger pie from the oven. Steaming. He placed it on the table and picked up a knife, and cut it into four pieces. He placed a piece on Jess's plate, then suddenly jumped back in shock. Jess asked, "What the moe?"

Sean answered, "LOOK!! It LOOKS!!"

"What does?" asked Jess. Jess looked at her pie, to see a disgusting eyeball looking at her. "AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH….ahhh, " she screamed, running out of breath. "It's HIDEOUS!"

Sean said, "It's a badger's eye…or is it???!?" Jess took a closer look, and said, "That's no badger eye….That's Thomas's eye!!!!! Righty O then!!"

"Righty O???? We could have eaten it!! I will dispose of it immediately!!!" Sean cried with distress in a VERY posh accent. VERY. He scooped it up straight away in a plastic cup, noticing a pair of lips in the pie, Thomas's to be precise, that were grinning evily. It faced him and said, "I'll teach you to make pie out of me!!!" With out telling Jess, he ran outside and put the pie in his green wheelie bin. Hmmm…very odd…well anyway, Jess stepped out of the tent, tripped on a rock, and was caught by Sean. Suddenly they found themselves gazing into each others eyes. It was one of those corny romance scenes with the corny classical music playing in the background and the people have perfect skin, which is pretty corny since the only people with perfect skin are the people on the front cover of romance novels, so you have to be one of them to have perfect skin, no wait, if you were lucky you would have perfect skin, and there are a lot of lucky people with perfect skin, even if they're not on the front of a romance novel, but Jess and Sean can't be lucky since they were in this story because you're probably gonna be doing something in this story that you don't want to be doing, so that's not exactly lucky, and then when the movie gets made and you're one of the characters then you'll be acting in it whether you like it or not, even if you're some millionaire with four body guards and hungry children to feed, _yes_, that means you too Mr Curtis '50 Cent Big Shot Business Man With More Bitches You Can Handle Real Hot Guy' Jackson. Ahem. The point is, perfect skin in this story _is_ corny when you're talking about some big corny romance scene with the corny classical music in the background. And anyway, if you were out in the desert you would be all sweaty and your skin would get oily and you're pimples would stand out like little Mt Everest's with the little mountain climbers and all. OK. So, Sean and Jess were in this big corny romance scene, gazing into each others eyes,when all of a sudden this big flash red Bentley rolled up, playing loud rap, with two people inside, a guy and a girl. They stepped out, revealing who they were. The guy was that really cute rapper 50 Cent, and he was wearing a white tank top, baggy jeans, big shoes, and a black New York Yankees cap over a white bandana, or jockstrap, as JESS would call it, and bling bling. You know, the whole homeboy deal. The girl was Gillian. That is all. 50 Cent smiled at Jess and Sean and said, "Wassup? Yo me an my shorty here wanna know if you could lend a nigga a place or sumpin so we could chill for the night, yunno? You see ima ballin an all but we kinda lost our way man, and we was juss wonderin if you had us a place. Yo if you don't, we still cool. We all cool man, we just bounce and hit the road again man. It ain't whack, s'not like we be trippin or anythin. If we was to have no car or nutin, THEN we be trippin."

Sean stood there puzzled. Then breaking away from his hug with Jess, he slowly put up the peace sign and said, "What is up, um, dog…" Gillian and 50 Cent gave each other odd looks then turned back to Sean and Jess. Sean asked Jess, "Do you know these people?"

"Yeah I do, this is my friend Gillian, and her homeboy 50 Cent…um, or Curtis Jackson," replied Jess.

"Homeboy?" questioned Sean with a confused look.

"Boyfriend you silly child," said Jess impatiently, shaking her head. Sean, still confused, whispered into Jess's ear, "Um, what exactly did he say before?"

"I dunno? You think I actually know this kind of stuff? It's a bit of a surprise that I don't since I've been Gillian's friend since forever and she was the official founder of Rap Fans Anonymous," answered Jess. "I'll ask her."

"Gillian! What did 50 say before?" asked Jess.

"Ahem," started Gillian. "He said; hello! How are you? Me and my girlfriend here want to know if you could lend us a place to stay. You see, I know I have heaps of money but we lost our way and we need a place. If you don't, that's OK, we'll just leave and keep on driving. It's not that bad, it isn't like we'll freak out or anything. If we didn't have a car, THEN we would be freaking out."

"OK then. Sure! We have this LOVELY jerry can tent over hear made from the finest recycled dog food cans. It's all yours for only $599900. Cheap!!" said Sean.

"What the f? You fo real??!? Be up off me man!!! Take the fin tent an ya chicken head girlfriend with ya, cos you can lick my natural black sack, I AIN'T PAYIN," said 50 in a sudden raging outburst. Jess looked angrily at 50.

"Who you callin a chicken head, chicken head?" asked Jess.

"Shut it ho, ya'll can shove it. Ya need me, ima be in mah car, rollin a blunt. BOO-YAH!!" yelled 50. Raging. Sean crossed his arms and put a sly grin on his face…then suddenly spotted a gun in the backseat of 50's Bentley. The sly grin was swiped off Sean's face. "OK then!! Righty O!! It's all yours, for free!!!!….man," said Sean quickly.

"Thas better, ho. Hey yo mamma. Oh, and the girl, sorry I called you chicken head," said 50. Jess rolled her eyes. 50 took his and Gillian's bag from the car and entered the jerry can tent. Sean once again looked at Jess with a confused look. Jess saw this and sighed angrily. She turned to Gillian and said, "Gillian! What did 50 say again? You gotta repeat it for this dumb Irish we got here."

"SCOTTISH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" roared Sean.

"I'm Irish, not him," cried Jess.

"He said 'that is better, insulted you, and apologised to Jess. Happy?" said Gillian.

"Quite…."said Sean oddly. "Uh 50?!?" 50's head popped out from the door.

"What the problem is?" he asked.

"Um, care to join us for a spot of tea and shortbread buiscuts?" asked Sean poshly.

"Say what now?" asked 50. "Gillian! What'd the bitch say?"

"Bitch say what?? Nah kiddin. Da bitch ere wan'ed to know if ya wanna hang, bro. He wanna know if ya wanna eat something, you feel meh?" answered Gillian.

"Yo I feel ya Shorty. Tell the man I be over der in a sec. Ima be changin my bling bling," said 50. Sean turned to Jess once again, confused by Gillian and 50's conversation.

"Gillian! What did you two just say?" asked Jess.

"I AM NOT YOUR FRIGGIN TRANSLATOR YOU DICKWITS!!!" said Gillian with an angry Eminem face. Sean turned to Jess. "What did she say?"

And at that very second, Jess turned all Incredible Hulk on his ass, picking up the green wheelie bin and ditching it at Sean's thick head with a roar. Roar. She turned to Gillian calmly. "Coming?" she asked.

"Sure. 50 will be here in a second," she answered. The two walked into Sean's fancy tent, followed by 50, followed by Sean, dusting the dirt off his clothes and screwing his face when he took a smell of himself. He stumbled inside. Suddenly, there was a rattle inside the bin and a ruffle of the spilled rubbish. Then little footsteps came as a small figure emerged from the trash and staggered to the clean floor. It stood up straight, hidden by the shadow of the rubbish bin. It was so weird. What the hell was it? Slowly, it crept out of the shadow, revealing what it was. Bom Bom Bom…..it was…it was…..THOMAS…….'S LIPS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ok then. You get it. So there stood this mini pair of lips, with built in arms and legs. Cool….So, back to the tea party. The four of them sat around the table with a lace table cloth, and the doilies…..and the….FINE CHINA. Bom Bom Bom…..ok. That's kinda getting annoying now. They were around the table engaging in posh small talk, 50 and Sean exchanging fake compliments. Sean got up.

"Um, excuse me….I now must go to feed my pet…hermit crabs…" said Sean. He left the table in a subdued rush, noticing a suspicious look on 50's face. Hmmmm….I wonder…..so then, Sean slipped out of the of the tent, and made his way over to 50's Bentley on tip toes. He rumaged around in the backseat, found 50's gun, and picked it up nervously with a pair of tongs, holding it as if it was a Mexican Staring Frog from Southern Sri Lanka, and then ran over to the wheelie bin and dropped it in, not noticing Thomas's lips eyeing him from behind the bin. Yes. The bin. Sean rapidly made his way back in to the tent, sat down, and crossed his legs, noticing that Jess and Gillian had fallen asleep from sheer boredom, and 50 twiddling his thumbs idly. At the sight of Sean, 50 poked his head up, smiled cheekily, and said, "Hey bitch!! How yo ass bin? Speakin of yo ass, where it bin? It ain't take dat long to feed no damn hermit crabs man, a nigga should know, I got a couple ma self." Sean quickly looked over at Jess and Gillian, and then grabbed 50 by his ear and said, "Listen here ya wee piece of crap, I don't appreciate ya comin round here to insult me. I could think of many insults for your arse but I'm just a friendly person. I bet you got a penis the size of a McDonald's chip, ye ken??"

"Ye Ken? WHAT THE MOTHER…"

"What's going on?" said Gillian, interrupting 50. Gillian and Jess had just woken up. Seriously. 50 and Sean looked at each other with restrained anger, then 50 looked at Gillian with another cheeky smile, and then said, "We be talking about the weather, eh bitch?"

50 nugded Sean hard in the ribs and looked at him giving the evil eye. "Ah, yes. We're just talking about how it is such a lovely day today. Ahhhh," said Sean, sighing contently, but rather fakely. Rather. 50 looked back at Gillian, smiled and said to Sean and Jess, "Yo hey, we had a nice time an all, but it'd be best if we'd bounce and all, yunno, it be gettin late now, ya feel meh? The food an all was good, yunno, all good, but me an shorty here be tired and goin to bed an all, you dig? So peace out, I see yo ass later." And before Sean could say a thing, or even put on one of his silly annoying puzzled looks (puzzled), Gillian sighed and said, "We're going. THANKYOU AND GOODNIGHT!!!!" Applause roared at them, coming from absoloutely no where, and there stood Jess, teary eyed, and clapping proudly, Sean beside her with another puzzled look. ANOTHER. 50 grabbed Gillian's arm, mumbling, "Come on." Sean turned to Jess, with ANOTHER puzzled look on his face, and said, "What was that all about?" Jess rolled her eyes, and walked off sighing dramatically, not even bothering with Sean and his Irish behaviour. "SCOTTISH!!!!" yells Sean to the narrator. Meanwhile…..

Outside, the lips had made it in and out of the bin, and retrieved the gun. GHI! GHI! GHI! GHI! That scary kinda music came on and the camera closed up on the lips. It looked around maliciously and said with mean voice, "Lock and load baby!!!"

It looked around, hoping that someone had seen him and thought he was cool. When he saw that the camp was empty, he stamped his little foot and pouted. So then off he went to explore the camp, with his gun in hand. First he made his way over to the Jerry can tent, where Gillian and 50 were staying. The two were lying down and watching re-runs of the Magical School Bus. Such fun. Such. The lips liked people who liked the Magical School Bus, so he let them be, and then walked over to the tent where Sean and Jess were staying. He looked inside. Jess and Sean were relaxing on the couch, watching Harry Potter movies, Sean pointing proudly whenever he saw himself on the screen. The lips watched them closely for a few seconds, then noticing Sean that was going too far. Thomas's lips burst into the tent, with the gun, screaming, "THIS IS A pretend to yawn, and stretch his arm out, which then made it's way around Jess's shoulders. Now HOLD UP!!!" Sean jumped up in shock, and pulled Jess up with him. Suddenly, the lips jumped up to Jess, and grabbed a hold of her purple sunnies. Jess shrieked, ripped the lips off her sunnies, and drop kicked the lips, which went flying through the tent door. Hearing all the screaming, Gillian and 50 burst into the tent, yelling, "WHAT? WHAT?" They looked around to find Jess wiping her sunnies, and Sean huddled in the corner, all shaking and everything, like it was Antarctica, but it was a desert, yunno what I'm sayin yeah? The lips then walked through the door, and at the sight of this, Gillian and Jess shoved Sean and 50 to the back of the tent, then turned to the lips, and put on their Charlie's Angels style pose and screamed Japanese insults at the top of their lungs. "ANGEL STYLE, YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA" they screamed loudly. The lips looked at them and trembled slightly. He then held his gun up, and said, "Do you feel lucky PUNKS? Well? Do Ya?" in that Clint Eastward kind of way. Jess and Gillian gave each other puzzled looks, then Jess turned to the table, and knocked over the bowl of fruit punch, all tough like, then yelled, "HUH!! LET'S MOVE!!!" Sean, 50, Jess and Gillian then ran out of the tent, as fast as their little legs could carry them, and then all pole vaulter style, they jumped into 50's car, and started it up, driving it out onto the road. The lips ran out of the tent, and shot at the car. 50, who was driving, was then hit by nine bullets. The car swerved to the left, everyone screaming loudly, and the car smashed into a tree. The car was wrecked, and worst of all, the lips started following them and was gaining on them. He had hijacked a Mr Whippy van, and was driving up to the car wreck playing Greensleeves. SLOWLY. Jess and Gillian slowly emerged from the smoking wreck, all dirty, cut, bleeding, yunno, and looked to the side to see the WHIPPY VAN and the LIPS travelling towards them. "CAW!! CAW!!" they screamed in apparent terror, sounding like demented crows. Sean poked his head out from the wreck, and screamed, "GET THE JAWS OF LIFE!!!!" Jess turned to Sean, and said, "Shut your mouth, wuss! Just because you can't feel your legs, doesn't mean we're gonna drop everything and do what you want!!"

"Mommy!!!" screamed Sean. Jess, seriously pissed off by Sean's wussyness, grabbed a bit of car and smacked him one over the noggin. Fifty gave a groan from where his mangled body lay. Suddenly, Fifty's ex, Vivica.A.Fox, appeared out of nowhere and squealed, "Fifty!! My BABY!!!!!"

Fifty glared at her, then yelled, "I THOUGHT I TOLD YOU TO STAY AWAY FROM ME!!!! I GOT LEGAL ACTION AGAINST YOU BITCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Vivica looked puzzled. "I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME!!!!" she cried hopelessly. A very pissed off Fifty then picked Sean up by the left leg, and ditched his sad ass at Vivica. She went down like a like a sack of potatoes. Jess looked up at the narrator and says, "I can relate." Back to the story. The knocked down Vivica screamed in mortal agony, "Call 911!!!" Jess and Gillian, sick of her winy voice, gave her a few well-placed kicks. Vivica cried in pain, "MY RECTUM!!!" Finally, with Vivica silenced, Gillian and Jess sat on the curb by the road, waiting for the Mr Whippy van to gain on them. After about thirty-two minutes, the Mr Whippy van was in range. Gillian stood up, and pointed at the Mr Whippy van travelling at snail speed over the horizon. "Oh….my….gosh. He…is…..gai…..ning…..on…..us. What….EVER….shall…we….do???" she said with a _VERY_ sarcastic tone in her voice, as you smart-asses would have noticed. At that exact moment, James Blake pulled up, and sped onto the curb in his very funky car (indeed). He looked over to Gillian, and yelled, "Get in!!" Jess looked quite shocked and pissed off, and sat there with her mouth hangin open in pissed-off-ness. "Oh, yeah, you too!! Sorry!" he apologised with a very cute smile. "I'm beginning to _HATE SOMEBODY_," Jess broke out into a loud and very ear piercing song, which was very unlike her. "_Oh, BABY BABY BABY, I bin' HATING SOMEBODY!!!!!!!!!!!" _Gillian, very annoyed by Jess's song, was giving her death stares from the front seat. She picked up her gun and waved it around, (careful not to let James see, who was having trouble starting up the car) mouthing curses and insults that you would only find in an Eminem song, since Eminem _was_ James's favourite music artist. So beautiful. It brings tears to my eyes….anyway, back to the story. James was still having trouble starting the car. He turned around to find the Mr Whippy van very close, and gave Gillian a worried look.

"Something's wrong with the car," said James. "That's ok," Gillian said with a fake smile. James got out of the car, and Gillian dived into the backseat to strangle Jess. She pulled Jess's hair, Jess letting out a scream of pain. Jess broke free of her grip, and picked up a copy of the Pilbara Region roadbook, which James had used to get to where they were. She pointed behind Gillian, yelling, "LOOK!! JERRY SPRINGER!!!" Gillian's mouth dropped open dumbly and mumbled, "Where?" She immediately turned to look, and Jess whacked her one over the head with the roadbook, Gillian going cross-eyed. This had caused Gillian to bite her tongue; blood trickled out of the side of her mouth. She put her hand to her mouth, and then looked at her bloody fingers. She looked at Jess so quick that her neck gave a loud CRACK! Suddenly, there was a loud rumbling as the road in which the Mr Whippy van was driving split open and cracked. Everyone suddenly turned their eyes to see what was going on. The van fell over with a violent thud and screeching metal, followed by the trickling of melted ice cream. Taking their eyes off the van and ignoring what they had just seen, Gillian once again turned to Jess, and said, "That's it, bitch. My tongue is bleeding. You've done it this time." She picked up the road book, and whacked her one, and before Jess could fully recover, Gillian once again grabbed her hair, and pulled. The shrieking Jess slapped at Gillian's face, when Gillian let go of Jess's hair, and started slapping back. They had gotten themselves well into a slapping match, when 50 yelled out, "BITCHFIGHT!!" from where he lay under the car wreck. Everyone started watching the fight, and started chanting "FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT!" over and over. Meanwhile, James was busy looking for why the car wouldn't start under the bonnet of the car. Completely unaware of what was going on around him, and an annoyed look on his face, he suddenly squinted. He bent down into the car to take a closer look, then said, "Heeyyyy…..who put DOUBLE CHOCOLATE CHIP ICE-CREAM WITH THE EXTRA MINTY SAUCE IN THE TANK????" His voice rose. Gillian, Jess, and all the spectators of the fight turned to look. James was standing there with his arms folded, his face looking so angry that his eyebrows joined into one. Everyone looked at each other, shrugging. The lips, which had suddenly crawled out from the stacked Mr Whippy van, gave an evil little laugh. James turned to the lips, and his eyebrows joined even more. "Two can play at that game," he mumbled under his breath. He pushed down the cars bonnet, and went round to the boot, where he pulled out a valuable Dunlop tennis racquet and gleaming yellow ball. Suddenly, everything went in slow motion, as James got into position, and tossed up the ball. The racquet went down, brushing past his toes, and back up, bending at his neck. Suddenly, everyone's mouths dropped open. The ball lowered, and James brought the racquet over his head, and with a powerful swing at it, he whacked the ball. Everyone held their breath's as the ball headed straight for the lips. The lips stood there, stunned, waiting for the ball to hit him, as he knew there was nothing he could do. He would be hit with the ball whether he tried to dodge it or not, because this is OUR story where what WE want happens, get it, PUNK? Righty' O then. The ball headed towards him (yes, everything is still in slow mo) and the air around the air went all funky, you know, like on Charlie's Angels when that bad guy shoots at Dylan, and they replay it in slow motion, and the air is like all weird and stuff. You know. Like that. So, the air is going all funky, right, when it finally hit's the lips. There was a thump, as the lips were knocked over with a rather funky plop. It plopped off the van from where it was standing, and landed onto the ground, and red dust shot up around him. There was a short silence, and everyone stood there in complete shock, with their mouths still hanging open. It was when a fly flew into Vivica's mouth, and the sound of her choking, that everyone snapped out of their daze and turned to see what was going on. Seeing that it was only Vivica, everyone rolled their eyes and proceeded. Jess and Gillian, who had both been attempting to strangle each other, still had their hands around each others neck's. They looked at each other, realizing, then let go. They avoided eye contact as they apologised to each other and wiped their hands uncomfortably on James's leather car seats. After putting his racquet back in the boot, James called out, "Well, we better be off then."

"Sure," said Gillian, jumping back into the front seat. James started the car, which had magically started working again, and before they started driving, Fifty yelled out, "HEY! You can't just leave me here!!" James, Gillian, and Jess looked where Fifty lay, under the remains of his very expensive Bentley, bashed and bruised. James, Gillian and Jess looked at each other, raising one eyebrow. "Hmmm…I dunno Fifty. I mean, I don't want blood all over my car seats, I mean, I just got them cleaned last week," explained James. Gillian looked over to Fifty, her lips sticking out, as she does, and nodded, agreeing with James. Fifty gave a few desperate breaths and a large gulp. "Um…please! B…bu…but…I'll die!!" said Fifty, on the verge of tears. "Please!! Look, I'll be stuck here with Vivica!!" And with that, the three of them felt the deepest sympathy for Fifty, and decided to help the poor fella.

"Right. Yep. Gillian, you get Fifty, Jess, you lay out a towel over the seat, and me…I'll get some band aids," ordered James. All three of them nodded in unison, and got to work. Gillian ran off to fetch Fifty, as Jess laid out a towel, and James walked across the road to the deli. Yes, a deli. Right in the middle of the deserted desert.

"Um, hi. Could I get a pack of band-aids….ah….three red fantas…pack of mentos….oh, the fruity ones please….no, the fruity ones….no, see, not the mint ones, NEXT to the mint ones. That's the one, yeah….um, could I get some Lays, and ah…oh, a roll of duck tape please," said James to the Chinese deli owner.

"Ahh, good choice sir. My name is Chin," said the Chinese guy with a smile and a nod. James gave Chin an odd look, handed over the money, and the hopped back over to the car, putting the bag of goods into the front seat. Fifty was in the car already, sitting next to Jess who was filing her nails. Fifty looked at her in disgust, and said, "Ima dyin here, ok, an all you can tink bout is yo stupid nails." Jess slowly turned her head towards Fifty.

"Hi," she said slowly yet impatiently. She turned back to her nails, rolling her eyes. Gillian had sped across the road, shrieking, as her top had patches of Fifty's blood over it. She ran to a tap on the wall of the deli, and madly started scrubbing, about to burst out into wussy tears. Fifty pointed at Gillian, and chuckled. James checked his watch, and yelled out, "Hurry up Gillian!! My fanta won't be cold by the time I get to drink it!!"

"I'm coming!!! Bloody hell!!!" yelled Gillian. She ran back across the road and tripped over a boulder. She got up again, and got into the car. The car started, and they drove off into the sunset. I mean away from the sunset. You know, the opposite way.

"WAIT!!!!" screamed Sean insanely. But they didn't look back this time. No, not at all. They did not wait, as they drove off happily into the sunset. "JEEEEEEESSSSS!!!!"

He watched the car until it disappeared off into the sunset. He carefully removed himself from the car wreck and stood there looking mangled. Then slowly, the beginning of Shannon Knoll's cover of 'What About Me?' started to play. He looked over next to the deli, where a DJ named DJ Skitz had appeared from nowhere (so cool) and was the one who had started the music. Suddenly, Sean looked towards the sunset. The soft afternoon wind rustled his hair, or what was left of it anyway, and he put on his most dramatic although munted face. He started to sing. "Well there's a little boy waitin' at the counter of the corner shop….he's been waitin' down there, waitin' half the day…they never ever see him from the top….he gets pushed around, knocked to the ground…he gets to his feet and he saaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyssss…."

Vivica, the lips, and Chin backed him up. They stood behind him looking just as bad, with their corny soapie faces. "WHAT ABOUT ME!!!!!!!!!!!" Screamed Sean even more insane than before. "IT ISN'T FAIR!!!! I'VE HAD ENOUGH NOW I WANT MY SHARE!!!! CAN'T YOU – "

At that moment, Dicko (yes, we mean THE DICKO!!) appeared form behind a very convenient tree." Look, I gotta tell you's all the truth, that was absolutely HORRIBLE!. My dog just died from severe ear damage." They all looked a little put out. Dicko beckoned them with a wave of his hand for them to follow him. They all cast dark looks at Dicko's back as they disappeared behind the convenient tree. (Convenient). Something was going down…to China Town…

**2 YEARS LATER…**

Jess walked up to the front door of the beautiful, expensive Florida mansion, and rang the doorbell. She looked around and noticed a huge alligator with a black spiked dog collar, lying on the front porch a few feet away. She smiled a nervous smile at the alligator and slowly moved backwards. "You're a nice alligator aren't you?" The alligator winked. At that moment the door opened and the James Blake looked at her. His white tank top sticking to his sweating six pack. He had clearly just been working out. Jess raised a sceptic eyebrow at him " Been busy? Ah, did I interrupt anything?" He chocked on her words for a second, cleared his throat, and then managed to reply.

" Ahh, no, just working out," he said. Jess pointed at the alligator on the porch.

" Is it normal to have an alligator on your front porch in Florida? Come to think of it, is it legal?" James smiled and nodded. "Yeah, that's only Rocky. He's my pet." Jess looked at the alligator and raised an eyebrow, "Rocky?"

"Rocky," repeated James. He checked his watch, and then looked into the house. He yelled, "GILLIAN!!!" There was an awkward silence. James pretended to check his nails while Jess kicked at a small acorn. She looked over to Rocky to find that he had moved from where he was and was now chasing after a couple of golfers on James's golf course. She squinted to see Tiger Woods and Greg Norman, and her mouth fell slightly open in amazement. She slowly turned her gaze to James, and gasped, "AMAZING……" looking as if she were high. James shuffled uncomfortably, and said, "Ah, look. I know we didn't get off to a great start when we first met, but I'm willing to give it another chance if you want to."

Jess smiled. "Sure."

They stood there for about two seconds, smiling all friendly and stuff, when all of a sudden there was a groaning noise coming from the inside of the house. Gillian was being escorted down the stairs by 50, puffing and exhausted, looking seriously annoyed, and SERIOUSLY puffy. James looked back. "Here comes Gillian," he told Jess. Jess looked over, have a look at what the Good Lord had done to her in the past two years. She was wearing a sleeveless light blue maternity wear dress that went above the knee, her hair was a mess as she still hadn't bought any afro tame, and her swelling feet were in a new pair of red Converse slip-ons. Getting down the stairs had been so tiring for her that her black eyeliner had started to smudge around her eyes.

"And WHY is 50 still here? Please explain," Jess questioned as Gillian made her way over to the door. "Uh, he…hey, what is he doing here?!?!" James put his man face on. "Stupid bastard," James said looking angry, as he had just used his big man words. Just then, Gillian plodded over to the door, looking pretty pissed off. She looked at James, then quickly turned her gaze to Jess, whom she had just noticed was there. Her mouth dropped open.

"AAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"screamed Gillian. "AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!" started Jess. Suddenly, the two were there screaming in unison, James and 50 were standing there covering their ears madly, birds were fluttering madly from the trees, and several windows had shattered, James looking in shock at the sight of this.

**12 MINUTES LATER…**

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!" screamed Jess and Gillian, still in perfect unison, James and 50 getting scared and quite red in the face. On the golf course behind them Tiger was squirming over the ground, hands over his ears, while Greg had dug his head into the ground like an ostrich. Rocky was looking around, mouth wide open, grinning happily like the psycho he is. 50 had enough. He stepped in between the two, and roared, "OH MY GOD VIVICA'S BACK!!!!" At that moment, everyone stopped and looked around in shock. It had gone dead quit. Every bird and cricket in the neighbourhood silenced. It was so silent, that you could hear a flake of skin drop. It was when a small bird dropped one that the silence broke. Everyone went back to their business, including Rocky, who had proceeded to chase Greg and Tiger around the golf course excitedly. Jess and Gillian looked at each other, and hugged. "Good to see you old chap," greeted Gillian in a posh Pommy accent.

"Ah, likewise my friend," replied Jess also in posh accent. Everyone around laughed joyfully, happy to be having a good time. "Ah, good day to you all," said 50. Everyone suddenly stopped laughing and glared at 50 as if he had passed wind. The smile on 50's face dropped. "Gees," he muttered. Jess turned to Gillian.

"Oh my gosh, are you pregnant?" Jess asked.

"HELL NO," said Gillian, looking very insulted. The colour drained from Jess's face.

"Oh…my gosh. I am so sorry…" she apologised uncomfortably.

"Nah, I'm just playin' wichya. Sure I'm pregnant," joked Gillian, punching Jess playfully yet forcefully in the arm.

"Remind me to kill you after," said Jess with a sigh of relief, blushing as she rubbed her sore arm.

"So, what were you guys talking about before?" Gillian asked James and Jess.

"Oh, nothing. We decided to be friends, which is a good thing because James is pretty damn hot," said Jess, who had started coughing after realising what she had just said. 50 started to chuck a fit of laughter, while James looked towards Gillian with a scared look on his face. Gillian was looking away from Jess. Her eyes had widened, her teeth gritted, and both her lips curled in anger. She slowly fixed her gaze onto Jess, her eyes narrowing. Jess ran behind 50 and used him as a human barricade.

"Because WHAT?!?" asked Gillian angrily. James wiped his mouth with his hand nervously.

"SO, YOU WANT MY MAN NOW???!!?! HUH?? DO YA?? DO YA???**BITCH???!??**" yelled Gillian loudly, her fist in the air.

"YOU BIN MESSIN WITH HIM, HAVE YA?? SO WHEN'S THE DAMN WEDDING, HUH????? **THAT'S A FRICKIN RHETORICAL QUESTION!!!!!**

"Um, so who's the father of the baby??" asked Jess, trying to change the subject.

"AH HA!! So it's TRUE!! You bin MESSIN WIT him, so you trying to change the subject so you can get AWAY with it. Well I got news for you Miss Bi – "

"I SWEAR, I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING!!!" interrupted Jess. Gillian looked at James accusingly.

"You bin sleeping with this little hussy have ya?? ANSWER ME BOY!!!!!" Gillian asked James. James put a shocked look on his face. "I NEVER!!!" he gasped. Gillian moved her face right up to his.

"LOOK me in the EYE boy…" she ordered.

"I swear to the Good Lord Above that I did NOT," he explained.

"Ok then, I believe you," said Gillian happily. Everyone calmed. 50 wiped the tears of laughter from his eyes, just in time because Jess's fist collided with his face. James whistled to Rocky to come over. Rocky, who had stolen an electric wheelchair from an elderly golfer, was now speeding off after Greg and Tiger, who were running faster than Olympic sprinters in an effort to get away from this crazed alligator. Hearing James whistle, Rocky suddenly perked his head up looking in James's direction. Suddenly, he hopped out of the wheelchair and started galloping obediently towards James with a wide grin on his face. 50 slowly got to his feet groaning while rubbing his sore head. Everyone who had been watching turned their attention to Lloyd Banks from G-Unit, who had just stepped out of the door to greet everyone.

"Uh, hi," he said. James looked puzzled and slightly confused.

"What the – " muttered James, pointing at the two rappers in front of him, then putting his man face back on. His man face then once again disappeared.

Jess looked at the three guys standing round, tall, dark and loaded with the bucks. Her eyebrows rose.

"Ah…so, who is the father?" asked Jess curiously. Gillian turned to Jess. She put on her Martin Lawrence face that she seemed to use a lot these days.

"And what the HELL kind of question is that supposed to mean?" asked Gillian.

"Come again?" asked Jess, confused.

"What do you MEAN by that?" repeated Gillian.

"I mean, you've got James, what the hell are these chums doing here?" asked Jess.

"Well, Lloyd here," started Gillian, Lloyd beaming proudly at the mention of his name, "is our professional chef, that's right, chef, and may I add that he is also a professional smoker," continued Gillian. Lloyd looked happy. "That's right. Smoking since I was a boy of eleven," explained Lloyd proudly.

"Right then," said Jess.

"And 50 here…" said Gillian, pausing slightly. "50 here….hey, what are you doing here anyway?" 50 groaned, rolled his eyes, and pulled out a feather duster and a white lace apron from his pocket. "Maid," groaned 50. Gillian and James looked at each other. "That's right," they said in unison.

"Hop to it then you two," ordered James. The two went back into the house, 50 tying up his apron. Rocky had reached the door too, and waddled over to sit next to James. He sat up straight, and James patted his head and gave him a small doggy treat. Rocky swallowed it whole and happily, before giving Jess a queer look. Jess, watching closely, gulped silently, and took at step back.

"So what are you doing here anyway?" James asked Jess.

"Uh, duh, I'm here for your wedding which is in three days, dumb ass," replied Jess. James and Gillian looked at each other. "Oh yeah…" they said together. Jess rolled her eyes.

"Would you stop that??!?!" hissed Gillian. They stood there for another two minutes, before Gillian broke the silence. "Hey, I wonder what happened to the lips? And Vivica, and Sean, and that odd Chin guy…" They all looked at each other blankly.

Sean woke up to the sound of the busy street and the early morning buzzing of people going to work. He stepped out of bed, stretched, and went over to the window. He was up five floors of his New York apartment, and was up early to get ready for work. He walked over to his small kitchen and turned on the kettle for a cup of coffee. As he waited, he rubbed his eyes, and knelt back onto the bench. He looked around guiltily before sticking his finger up his nose and digging for his supply of gold, which he mined daily. As he scooped, he stared into space before taking out his jar of crusty boogers, which was now three quarters full, and flicking his new stock in carefully. He closed the jar and admired it, before placing it back onto the windowsill. The kettle was almost ready, so he took out a mug and put in the coffee and the sugar, then crossed the room to get dressed. He put on a smart looking dark grey business suit, with a blue shirt underneath, and a striped red and yellow tie. He stood in front of the mirror to straighten his tie, then picked up his brief case from beside his bed and made his way back over to the kitchen. The water was boiled, and he was just about to pour himself a cup, before he heard a small knock at the door. He skipped over to the door, and opened all seventy-nine locks that had his door bolted shut. He opened it slightly, and poked his head out the door.

"Who is it?" he asked nervously. Finding that no-one was there, he gave and odd look. He was just about to close the door, when he heard a small yet broken voice.

"Hey! Down here, Biggerstaff!!" it said. Sean opened the door fully and looked to the ground, to find the Lips grinning up at him, with a miniscule vinyl brief case swinging by his side.

"Oh, it's just you. What do you want?" asked Sean.

"We've been called into the office early today. We'll have to leave now," explained the lips.

"But, I haven't even had my coffee yet!" moaned Sean.

"Let's move punk, boss's orders," said the Lips. With no further questions, Sean scooped up his brief case, and after locking the seventy-nine locks on his door, followed the Lips down the five floors of the apartment block, and out on to the open street. Sean stepped out onto the grey footpath and stood. He breathed in the early morning air, and observed the passers by. There were people looking like clones of Sean in their business suits and their brief cases, there were punks in their black leather, piercings and multi-coloured hair, there were young kids dancing to their booming stereos by the footpath, there was the occasional cow flying past in a speeding shopping trolley, there were the Swedish tourists taking pictures of the street lights, and then there was himself and the Lips. He looked down at his side, and realised that the lips had disappeared. He looked around curiously, to find the Lips placing its briefcase into the boot of a mini (and we mean mini) convertible. It turned to Sean, and yelled out, "BIGGERSTAFF!! YOU COMING THIS MILLENIUM?"

"Ha ha ha, very funny," mumbled Sean putting on his Mr Bean Face. "We're not actually going to work in that thing are we? Can't we just catch a cab instead?" questioned Sean.

"No, we CANNOT. The boss may have found some new info and he has requested that we ride in this little baby, not some punk ass car like that one you thinking about driving in," said the lips.

"Fine," said Sean angrily, squeezing into the front seat, managing to the tip of his butt into the chair. He hugged his brief case uncomfortably, cursing under his breath. The lips hopped into the car, and stretched comfortably. He turned to Sean and said, "Ahh. I love this car. So much LEG ROOM!! And I can actually see the road too." Sean rolled his eyes and mocked the lips under his breath once more. The car started, and they started so fast that Sean was almost sent flying backwards onto the footpath. As they turned out onto the highway, Sean realised that this car could get some speed. They zoomed down the street, overtaking every car in their path. They had driven down almost five streets, before they had to stop for a red light. As they did, two girls walked by, giggling at Sean. Sean saw them, rolling his eyes in embarrassment. He looked up to the sky. "Why do you hate me God?"

So off they drove, through New York City, before they had finally reached their destination. The Lips parked the car in front of a tall building, a very flash one at that. They hopped out of the car and walked right in. They walked casually past reception, before entering a lift where they met Vivica, in a canary yellow business suit. They greeted each other, and then travelled the lift up to the twenty-fifth floor, where they stepped out into a hallway with an extremely clean smell. They three of them travelled down, until they reached the first door on the left where they stepped into an extremely large and extremely bright office. The sunlight poured into the office, illuminating a large table that sat in the centre of the room. At this table they found Chin, on the left side, sitting next to a Frenchman named Shane. At the very end of the table was a person in a black business suit, a white shirt, and a blue and red tie. Rectangular spectacle sat on the bridge of his nose, and his hands were placed in front of him, with his fingers tightly entwined. Sean, Vivica, and the Lips stood at the door, and greeted him. "Sorry Mr. Webster sir, the streets were so busy," explained Sean.

"Your late," boomed Mr Ben Webster, the person sitting at the end of the table. "Your punishment…" started Ben. He looked over to Shane. Shane nodded. "Your punishment," continued Ben, "…stand on your heads until further notice." The three of them turned over, and balanced on their heads. Shane, the Frenchman, stroked the peach fuzz on his chin then looked over to Ben, who had clicked his fingers. "Shane, get out the white board," ordered Ben.

"Wee," replied Shane with a nod. He rose from his seat and headed over to the side of the room where a tall lemony clean whiteboard stood. He pushed it over to the centre of the room and placed it directly behind Ben. Ben turned to Sean, Vivica, and the Lips.

"You may sit," Ben said to Sean, Vivica and the Lips. They got up, and soon everyone was sitting around the table, waiting for the news. Ben stood up out of his chair, putting his hands behind his back, and turning the whiteboard so that everyone could see. Ben got prepared for his lecture.

"Ahem," he started, clearing his throat. He stared at Vivica and Sean, who were having thumb wars. "AHEM," boomed Ben. Vivica jumped, looking startled, and Sean dived under the table in pure horror.

"As you know, we have been spending the past two years searching this retched planet for the two young women named Gillian and Jess. We have hired you, as well as several other thugs to spy and capture the two, and bring them…to…US. HA…HA…HA," he laughed manically. Shane, just wanting to fit in laughed his little French laugh, " Aho ho he ho". He stroked his peach fuzz. " Ah, boss…" Sean murmured nervously, Ben gave him a death stare and answered " yes?". " where are we supposed to find them?" ben looked a litlle shocked then nodded, " oh yes that, well Gillian is getting married in three days to a tennis player called James Blake." Ben showed everyone the white board. Everyone sitting around had expected to see a detailed piece of artwork, including a plan, pictures, fingerprints, and records, but instead, they saw two stick figures, one, a girl with a fro, with a wedding dress on, the other, a man in a tuxedo with funkadelic dreadlocks. Funkadelic. Ben continued.

"We will be sending the Lips, my right hand frog over here, and a couple of rapper looking thugs to the wedding, to crash it, as well as bring Gillian back, as well as Jess, who will be attending the wedding. The thugs will be irresistible to Gillian, and while she is taking a perve, you must ambush them and bring them back in potato sacks…or else. Are there any questions?" Shane put up his hand.

"What is it my friendly Frenchman?" asked Ben.

"Well, why do you address me as 'right hand frog', messier?" asked Shane.

"Oh shut up, it's just funny," replied Ben. Shane went back to stroking his fuzz, looking angry.

"Do you really want to hurt me? Do you really want to make me cry?" questioned Shane, his eyes turning bloodshot.

"Shut up I said!! You're here to sit and look French," yelled Ben. Shane shook his head and once again stroked his peach fuzz. Feeling hurt,he gazed down into the table and whispered, "You will one day pay. Oh and I mean pay. This is one Frenchman you do not want to insult. Ever…"

"What was that? FROG???!?" asked Ben.

"Nothing sir. What were we talking about?" said Shane.

"Ah yes, the thugs, yes, we will send them over, and you know, all that. Are there any questions?" concluded Ben, handing out an information sheet to each person seated around the table. "No questions? Ah, then, you are dismissed. The Lips and my right-hand frog, I will meet you here in precisely one hour. You will have packed and be ready for your departure," said Ben in a very serious tone. "LET'S MOVE!!" roared Ben, slapping Sean on the ass. Everyone in the room gave each other horrifically queer looks, including Sean, who had run out of the room in tears, and most of all in utter shock. Ben straightened his tie, cleared his throat, and yelled, "Come on people!!", before everyone had finally shuffled out of the room.

Back at the Blake Mansion, everyone had finished dinner. Fifty had slowly started to clean up, while James, Gillian, Jess, Lloyd, and Rocky sat on expensive leather sofas around a crackling red fire, while listening to gloriously relaxing music on the surround sound speakers. The room was filled with the crackle of the fire, warm chatter, and the sipping of champagne. Rocky had made a bed on Gillian's lap, and everyone was just sitting around soaking up the joy. It was until the phone rang that the room went quiet. James got up to answer it…

"Hello?" he answered.

"Hello yourself," said an anonymous, random, dark, yet oddly familiar voice.

"Who is this?" asked James, slightly disturbed, putting on his man face.

"Guess what I know," asked the voice.

"Um…ah…oooooh, I know!!! My favourite scary movie?!?" asked James excitedly, smiling and jumping up and down like a little boy.

"Um, that too. But guess what else I know?" questioned the voice.

"I dunno," shrugged James, putting his man face back on and feeling slightly annoyed.

"You ready? Remember this…" began the voice. James listened curiously.

"WHO…WHAT…WHEN…WHERE…WHY…**_I KNOW_**. And I will be there. Oh I'll be there... And when I am, you better watch out…and you better be serving pavlova – BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP…" The mysterious caller had hung up, leaving James looking extremely puzzled. He looked even more puzzled when he looked over to Rocky, who had gotten up from Gillian's lap, and was toasting marshmallows by the fire.

"Who was that?" asked Gillian.

"I'm not sure," answered James, squashing up next to Gillian. "I think it was some random psycho stalker who's planning to crash our wedding…and Lloyd…" Lloyd looked up to James.

"…They want pavlova," continued James. Lloyd nodded. From that moment on, the room had become silent and dull. Silent because everyone was scared and in shock from the telephone call, and dull because Rocky had just pissed on the fire and was now using one of the surround sound speakers as a chew toy.

Gillian trembled, and looked around at the others. She then burst out into tears. Everyone came around trying to comfort her, including Rocky, who came galloping over, knocking over Lloyd in the process. "We're going to die…aren't we?" cried Gillian, looking into James's perfect (perfect) eyes.

"No we're not," said James, sounding convincing, giving her a big wet kiss on the lips (that's right bitches). Jess, observing James, began to feel EXTREMELY jealous. She turned to Lloyd and whispered, "Damn." Lloyd gave her that, "Well, that's the way it goes," kind of look, making Jess fume inside. She felt as if she had just ate a lemon, as she shivered with extreme jealously. Gillian then turned to face everyone in the room, including Fifty, who had sprinted into the room, yelling, "WAD' I MISS?? WAD' I MISS??!!?" Ignoring him, Gillian wiped the tears from her eyes, and started to talk. "Everyone…I know that we might die at the wedding…so…I now have the chance to tell you each something that I've always been too afraid to say…ok? But don't get offended. Remember, we're all gonna die anyway, so there's no point in killing me. Ok, here we go." She sighed loudly before continuing.

"James…before I met you, I always thought that you were a gay mother fer because you _were just so damn fine_. I'm tellin' you man, you're a natural aphrodisiac."

"What do you mean by _'were so damn fine'_? So I'm not damn fine anymore?" asked James.

"I've always liked you better with your dreadies. In fact I was mad about your dreadies. You hear me boy? I loved them," said Gillian, giving James's head a light whack.

"Fair enough. I'll start growing them back," said James. Gillian then turned to Jess, who was patiently waiting for what Gillian had to say about her.

"Jess. I've always been jealous of you and your rich bitch ways. I'm sorry, but you were just rich, and I was just not. But I am not longer jealous. I have my own money now," Gillian explained, pointing to James.

"And Rocky," started Gillian. "Rocky, my baby, I love you so much. But I have a confession to make. It was me…" said Gillian, looking ashamed. Rocky looked up to Gillian.

"IT WAS ME WHO ATE YOUR LAST TWO SMACKO'S!!! THERE, I SAID IT!!! IT WAS MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!" screamed Gillian, getting to her feet. "I'm so sorry. I've been in denial for so long. I didn't want to admit it was me because you were just so angry about it, and anyway, it was so damn entertaining seeing you blame Greg Norman and Tiger Woods! It's not every day that an alligator from Florida hops into a wheelchair and chases two of the most successful golfers in the world around a golf course owned by the finest male tennis player in the history of tennis!!" Gillian paused for thought, with a thoughtful look on her face. "Oh, hang on…maybe it is…" continued Gillian. Jess looked at Rocky.

"I now truly understand," she said, thinking back to that morning. Gillian continued to talk to Rocky. "Please, you must forgive me! This pregnancy is making me crave the WIERDEST things. I mean Smacko's!! Come on!! I may be a bitch, and a tramp thanks to James, but I'm no dog!!!"

"Um, thanks to ME, Gillian," interrupted Fifty. James looked angrily at Fifty.

"Fifty, don't you have a toaster to clean or something? Or maybe you should clean those little Spider Man jocks I found clogging up the toilet the other day," said James.

"Don't you have some Gucci dress to slide over your bootylicious booty? Maybe some Dolce and Kabana shoes for yo prissy little MAN FEET? Huh? Pretty boy?" retorted Fifty. James rolled his eyes, while the rest of them waited for Rocky's reaction. Slowly and silently, rocky waddled over to Gillian, stood up on his hind legs, and patted her on the shoulder with deepest sympathy, which was showing through his gorgeous olive looking eyes.

"I knew you'd understand," Gillian said, patting Rocky's scaly hand. "And Lloyd," began Gillian. "What can I say, I love you more than life itself. You're so hot. The whole gangsta look and you're hot voice and your cool lyrics. If I ever break up with this chum James, remember, you're next on my list…oh, and don't forget the Pavlova." Lloyd put his hand to his chest and nodded in appreciation, while James shuffled uncomfortably in his chair, looking as if he was constipated. "Oh, and I also reckon you should hook up with this Jess here," added Gillian, pointing to Jess. Lloyd smiled at Jess. "How YOU doing?" he asked Jess.

"Well, that's the second thing I've heard you say in this whole story, so I'm going pretty good," she said.

"Well I'm done. Who's next?" asked Gillian.

"Wait! What about me?" questioned Fifty. "It isn't fair. I've had enough now I want my share. Can't you see? I wanna – "

"OK, WE GET IT!" interrupted James.  
"Sorry Fifty," said Gillian. "Well, um, let's see…um, you…you have a lot of money…" Fifty put a satisfied look on his cute little face.

"That's cool," Fifty said. Gillian looked around at everyone's faces, when she noticed Jess looking and smiling at James, who was smiling back.

"**ANYONE ELSE??!?"** roared Gillian, startling everyone, and breaking Jess and James's gaze. Gillian gave Jess the evil eye. Jess, who realized Gillian was staring at her, began to talk.

"Oh, um, me…well ok, um…" she fiddled nervously with her hands, before turning to Gillian.

"Gillian, please don't be offended, but…"

"But WHAT?" said Gillian angrily, knowing what Jess was about to say.

"Ok, I'll tell you. I love James. I absolutely adore him. He is one of the hottest guys on the planet and ever since the day I saw him, I knew I loved him. Not only is he hot, but he's also the sweetest most romantic corniest guy that I have every known, and I get so jealous when I see him with you, OK?? I'M SORRY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" said Jess in a sudden outburst. Everyone sat there startled, blown away as if she was a bomb that had just exploded, or like someone off those KFC ads when they eat the extra hot and spicy chicken. Gillian looked very shocked indeed.

"Well, OK THEN! It's ok, I guess…good thing you confessed, or I would have had to bash it out of you!!" said Gillian. Jess looked at Gillian.

"Cool," she replied, just like Donkey from Shrek after they had crossed the bridge. James, who was still in shock, stood up and stretched.

"Well, we better get some sleep now," he said in a rather fake tone.

"Yes, I must go to SLEEP with my BOYFRIEND JAMES so we can KISS and have HOT SEX," said Gillian, looking at Jess, who could not help but squirm with jealously. Gillian smiled cheekily, and patted Jess on the back.

"Nah, I'm just kidding Jess," Gillian explained. Jess's face, which was about to explode, went back to its normal size and colour.

"Well, night' everyone," said Gillian. Jess looked at James, and turned to Lloyd.

"I gotta get me one of those," she said, pointing to James before he stepped out of view.

TWO NIGHTS AFTER:

**THE WEDDING**

Excitement was in the air as the glistening white limousine made its way up the black gravel driveway. Inside sat Gillian, sitting next to Jess, her Bridesmaid. The wedding was to be held on James's golf course, _yes, that very golf course._ Gillian had been having a sook that morning, putting Jess in misery, having her listen to her ongoing complaints about many various _Gillian_ things. First of all, she had screamed at Fifty after he had forgotten to buy her afro tame for that morning, and also because he had spilled his chocolate snack pack all over his white little suit. He was the flower girl, ah, flower boy, and he had forgotten to use his bib while quickly scoffing down his breakfast. Secondly, she had threatened to egg the limo driver after he refused to drive her to the golf course, which was a twenty second walk from the house. Hey, a pregnant woman gets tired, so just shut up. Thirdly, she had a fit when she couldn't fit into the limo on a count of her belly was bigger than a Brazilian blah-blah, which is pretty random since I don't even know what that is, and her afro was ten times the size of Guy Sebastian's. She was seriously peed off. So this is what Jess had to put up with the entire twenty-second trip.

They had arrived.

Gillian gracefully stepped out of the limo and very very gracefully fell flat on her face. Jess, who also started to make her way out of the limo, snorted with laughter. Gillian got up off the ground with a frustrated look on her face, and bashed Jess over the head with her bouquet. She brushed the dirt off her clothes, and dipped her hand into the water of some random puddle, and patted her hair flat. She stood up straight, feeling nervous, and sighed. "That's better," she said to Jess, who had been waiting impatiently for Gillian to hurry the hell up. "Well, here goes," mumbled Gillian, making her way over to the runway, or catwalk, or isle, whatever you wanna call it. Jess slowly followed.

"Wow," started Gillian to Jess. "I never pictured myself getting married in my favourite pair of dark two-thousand dollar jeans and my Fremantle Dockers shirt which is kinda pointless since none of these people in this Florida hole actually know who or what they are…"

"Well, I never knew alligators were allowed first share at the cocktail weenies," said Jess, causing Gillian to look over to the white food tent where she saw Rocky, in a small tuxedo jacket and bow tie, running around with a mental look on his face and having a taste of the various platters of finger foods while trying to dodge the many security guards, posh waiter boys, and Steve Irwin, who were manically throwing themselves at the scaly reptile in an effort to capture him and take him to the start of the isle where he was to take the ring up to the isle on a small satin pillow.

"ROCKY!!" screamed Gillian. With that, Rocky perked up his head, before pouncing over Steve Irwin and sprinting over to where he was supposed to be.

"That's better…now, did you give DJ Skitz the Wedding March tape that I gave you?" asked Gillian. Rocky nodded convincingly, and as he did, the Wedding March started.

"QUICK YOU BOGANS, WE"RE STARTING!!" hissed Gillian, spitting sharply in the process. Gillian straightened up, and hooked Lloyd around the arm.

"You're coming with me," she ordered. Lloyd nodded fearfully.

Fifty was first to walk down the isle, in his little snack pack stained tux and a small crown of delicate pink flowers over his shaved head. In his hand was a mini basket filled with the petals of the same flowers that made up his crown. He reached in to the basket as he walked, picking a small handful each time and gracefully tossing them onto the long red velvet carpet that lay beneath him. Next to walk up the isle was Rocky, who stood up on his hind legs, and carried the small satin pillow with two white gold rings placed neatly in the centre. James was standing at the altar in red Nike tennis shirt, white shorts, tennis shoes, and a single wristband on his right hand. Gillian was having a vision, just relaxing and being calm, the Wedding March playing gracefully in the background, when all of a sudden, her fifth worst fear, um, well, happened. The Wedding March stopped, sounding like a record that had just died off, when the familiar sound of 'Break Ya Neck' started to play. She did not believe her ears. This couldn't happen. She immediately snapped out of her daze, and shot the evil eye at DJ Skitz who was up in a small building thing that looked much like a commentator's box. Skitz, holding the headphones to his ear with one hand, shrugged at Gillian with the other. She looked at the people standing looking at her, and giving disturbed looks every two seconds from Busta's swearing, then pinched Lloyd hard on the arm, tearing at the skin. She asked him through gritted teeth, "Was this your doing, CRACKER?" Lloyd nodded, feeling extremely terrified. Knowing that she was to walk down the isle next and that there was nothing that she could do about it, she started to walk, and she decided to do it in style. She took a deep breath before chucking her bouquet into the air and strutted down the isle like a badass.

"Ya'll know the words, SING ALONG!!" screamed Gillian spastically. And with that, she started to bounce both her arms up and down to the rapid beat. Jess who was in her green khaki mini and a blue polo shirt and her favourite blue New York Yankees cap, pulled down her hat and did the 'Wassup?' dance making her way behind Gillian and Lloyd down the isle. Soon everyone was standing up and crazily dancing to the beat. Once Jess had caught up with Gillian, the two burst into a spastic dance, much like that off the 'Hey Mama' video clip. Everyone crowded around and cheered them on. James stood at the alter shaking his head with a smile on his face, especially at the fact that his own mother and father had stood up and were now in the middle of the crowd bustin' moves that were about as old and as sad as MC Hammer in 'Can't Touch This'. Jess looked around at everyone having a good time, and then noticed a small elderly woman, sitting alone, shaking her head and giving looks of disgust on one of the benches. Jess, being the daredevil she is, went over, and asked, "Hey grandma, WASSUP?" And as she did, she smacked her one in her hollow chest, causing her to fly across the empty bench, and land with a loud crack at the end of the bench. "Whoops," she muttered under her breath, before trying to disappear into the crowd so she wouldn't get in trouble. James who had finally had enough screamed "GILLIAN!!" This had no affect; as she was now pop locking' in the middle of the crowd alongside Rocky, who was spinning on his head with his tongue sticking out of his drooling mouth. James rolled his eyes in annoyance and then yelled out, "**FREO SUCK!!!!**"

With this, the music stopped immediately, the crowd froze and stood silent, and Gillian and Jess had snapped their head's out of the crowd with looks of utter shock on their faces.

"WHO SAID THAT?" yelled Jess.

"WHO'S FREO??" yelled some random innocent local from the crowd. Gillian straight away pulled out a street sweeper from her pocket and raised it high above her head.

"NOW NONE OF YOU HOBOS ARE GETTING OUT OF HERE UNTIL I FIND OUT WHO SAID THAT!" said Gillian. She looked around with the evil eye, and then stopped when she got to James who had his hand up and his biggest most gorgeous smile on his face. Gillian gave the evil eye.

"Oh no. Oh, no no no no no…you've gone too far this time James, TOOO WAYNE FARR!!!!" yelled Gillian. "No one, NO ONE gets away with saying Freo Sk in my presence!!! I want a divorce!!"

"But we're not even married yet," explained James.

"Oh yeah…THE WEDDING'S OFF!!!" screamed Gillian. Everybody in the church gasped loudly in shock. Lloyd stood up and yelled, "But I made pavlova!!"

A/N: Well, there you go. We weren't under the influence of any illegal substances, although we were rather high on our own laughter and too much chocolate. This is about two years old now, and I found it last nite in my computer, deciding in a reckless moment that I would share it with you all. I hope you've enjoyed it…. Please don't kill us…..


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